Wishin' and Hopin'

I was thinking today "how can one let go of those who are very dear to them?" 

I look back upon time, as far back as I can remember, and think of moments that still bring a tear to my eye. For instance, I remember my last day at American Express. That was four years ago. I remember sitting in that conference room looking at my Manager Vaibhav Dutt and all my friends around the table. Surprisingly, I still remember every single moment of that day. I haven't been able to stay much in touch with them ever since, just an occasional call, maybe once a year. 

I was asked to say something about everyone in that room that day. I still remember exactly what I said about all of them. They were dear to me, they were my friends. I remember looking at Shubhebdu Mathur and saying, "he's a very hard working guy. I've seen him toil, put in his best, learn as much as he could in the least amount of time, being proffesional yet friendly with one and all. And despite all that he has had to take from all the leadership, he will one day prove his mantle. I believe in him." I remember because I remember the tear in my eye while saying this. I still feel the pain of being separated from the one's I cared about.  I broke down bitterly on my way back from work that day. I know exactly why. 

The feeling of being torn from your own self, it's like leaving behind your soul, your memories, your emotions, and walking away. The thought of never being able to see someone whom you've been with all the while breaks you. I pride myself on being practical in all manners possible, but somehow, every once in a while, my emotions take control, and they remain as memories that I'll never forget. We build bonds, and walk away from them.

Your first job, the joy in your parents' eyes, the first pay-check, the first love, the dearer than life freindships, the madness of doing the most unimaginable things as teenagers. The moments that I look back upon now are so precious, so alive, that I still feel the pain.

At sometime, we all have to let go. I understand that completely. Our parents, our brothers and sisters, our freinds, our loved ones, all of them. And you know what is the most painful moment? When you have to walk away. When you have to wave that final goodbye, shake hands, hug, look in to the eyes, and wish them the best. That's what makes you remember. 

I think of the people I've worked with, I think of my freinds back in Delhi, I remember my college and school days, I remember my trips to Pune, and all I can think of and pine for are to go back to those moments. Every once in a while I happen to look at my old pictures, walk down the memory lane, think of the people I used to care about. Unfortunately, I don't know where most of them are, but I still remember small details, that no one might. 

A movie here, a boozing session there, those cold Delhi nights, those warm hugs. There's a rush of thoughts in my head, like a cinema roll flowing by. Vivid images of my past, coming back to me in a wave, and moving me to tears, yet again. Only if I could hold on to them, only if I could go back and tell everyone how much they mean to me, only if I could look into those eyes one more time and tell them that I'll always be there. How many times do I have to let go of those that I love, those who're the most precious to me, those I can't live without? How many times do I have to convince myself that life's all about change, all about moving on? 

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun 
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone...